Timing is Everything
" If we move too fast, we'll break things. If we move too slow, we'll miss things. And if we don't move at all, we won't see things for how beautiful they truly are- r.m drake "
Staring at the clock, literally counting every second. Waiting for that one thing to happen right then, right when you want it to. And if it doesn't happen right then, does that mean it won't? Life has an interesting way of working out. Even though we've had one of the worst things happen to our sweet girl, we have found a little understanding of how things work out.
Nine months before Arlie got sick, we started trying for our second child. I was eager and excited to grow my family! Of course I wanted to get pregnant the first month of trying. That's what all of us ladies want, right? That's how it happened with Arlie, so I did have expectations of it being easy. Boy, did I have a rude awakening!
In January I miscarried. I started to kind of freak out inside. After that, every month became emotionally draining. Tracking my ovulation like a crazy lady, trying to do all the right things and it just wasn't happening. I just wanted Arlie to have a sibling. I wanted a baby! Little did I know that my life "plan" wasn't really my plan. It was just my wants but not really my needs at that time.
Fast forward to the day Arlie was diagnosed. After it had set in that my child had cancer, I started to freak out inside, but this time my mindset had changed. This month I just could not be pregnant. I couldn't believe I was thinking and saying those words! All I could see was all the needs I was going to have to give Arlie, for 2+ years. I just couldn't imagine being pregnant going through this. He answered my prayers and I felt sad and relieved. I was starting to see how I envisioned our life just wasn't going to work out that way. Daydreaming about more children, our dream home, and all that we thought was in store for us had just been placed on hold. The hard part is just that... Our life is on hold. For how long?
Another strange blessing and perfect timing was my mother getting let go of her job the week we found out Arlie had cancer. He knew I would need my mama through this. She got to be by our side EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for the first 4 months of this journey.
Even though I still don't understand why Arlie had to get this disease, I am finding blessings through this. I know things are going to work out the way they should. I can actually comprehend the phrase "timing is everything", but it sure doesn't make it easy! Time has slowed down drastically for us. The things that I want now are real simple. A healthy, happy baby. I'm thankful I can see life as it is, in each moment.